One year on

Today is the 1 year anniversary of the death of my beloved little brother Ethan. 365 days since it all came crashing down.

A few people have noted how well we seem to be dealing with the grief. No bitterness, no blame, no wanting to die like I might have imagined I would, if I ever were to imagine losing my brother and closest friend… well, before it actually happened that is.

It’s such a weird experience to have the people you love the most die; even the terms used to describe death are weird… “passed away” like a second hand shirt or “lost” like a kitten up a tree.

The thing is that however much you analyse the words or appreciate how amazing people have been around me or how other people lack understanding… it doesn’t change a thing… he is still dead.

I have plenty of exciting plans for the future and really lovely things in my life

…but today… today I am not going anywhere

today I am sitting and moping and being sad just because I am sad


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